1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a few copies of Guns And Ammo magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim and me went for more beer and ammo, be back in
an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this
morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think killer took part, but
it was hard to tell with all the blood. Anyway I locked all four of 'em in
the house, better wait outside, be right back.