How to install a home security system

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a few copies of Guns And Ammo magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim and me went for more beer and ammo, be back in
an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this
morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think killer took part, but
it was hard to tell with all the blood. Anyway I locked all four of 'em in
the house, better wait outside, be right back.

Cooter

A Tale Of Archaeology

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York
archeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly
after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists,
finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that
their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications
network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Jersey Journal, a local newspaper in Jersey
City , New Jersey , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard, Vinny 'The
Salami' Manziano, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Vinny has therefore concluded that 300
years ago, New Jersey had already gone wireless."